Jeff Vanlaningham

I have to make a list of things to do.  Oh not today or even tomorrow but somewhere in the future.  When my son who is now 9 and my daughter who is now 8 have a family of their own and more importantly a house of their own.  Now I don’t want to seem like I am keeping score or even being vengeful but one day I asked my kids if I came to their house  and treated it as they do ours, would they mind.  An innocent “No” was what I got.  So I asked again, if they were sure that I could one day come to their house and treat it as they do our house now.  “Sure” my son said.  My daughter just gave me the eye roll and the long drawn out “DAAAAADD.

Tabbers, Daddy and Buster Brown

So I would like to make a to do list of things that I need to make sure and accomplish on this wonderful day.  I’ll start by showing up early and walking in letting the door slam behind me hard or I may leave it open if it is winter.  I will immediately proceed to the living room where I will drop off my coat, shoes and backpack.  (why do I have a backpack?  Cause its part of the story)  I will flip on the TV and turn to a show that I want to watch with the volume about two spots down from the max.  Well, what to do now, I know, I could go for a cup of tea.  Oh no, I won’t need a glass, the coffee pot should work just fine.  Here let me just add 18 bags of tea and let that simmer on the counter.    While I am here,  think I will have a bowl of cereal.  But I don’t want milk on it.  I know, syrup sounds like a good idea.  Oops, dropped it all over the floor.  The kitchen floor is now a veritable mine field of little captain crunch balls and syrup.  It seems dark in here.  I better turn on every light in every room.  That should help. 

After my trip I could sure use a shower.  One thing that is important to me when showering is to feel the breeze so I better leave the shower curtain open.  And no towel for this cat, I will be air drying on the part of the floor that does not have a rug.  And now for good measure, I will leave my first deuce unflushed in the toilet, but defiantly not my last.  

 I was eating gum and suckers on the ride over and don’t know what to do with all these wrappers.  I will put them in the couch until I am ready to throw them away.    Well, I am bored now, what do to?  I know, I will go jump on the new bed for awhile.  I am sure the mattress needs breaking in.

Abigail just walked in and seems upset that I painted the bathroom wall with nail polish, I try to tell her I thinks it pretty but she is having none of it.  Now Mark wants to know how the downstairs sink got broken .  I forgot to tell him that I was washing my rock collection and that happened.  Ok, almost done, just need to touch the TV screen with my hand repeadtly, put something in the freezer that doesn’t belong there, fix the computer so the toolbar disappears and hide the TV remote in a drawer.

So Mark and Abby, that’s the list.  I cant wait to come over.  We will have so much fun.  What are we having for dinner?  I don’t like that.  Can we go to DQ? 

Now lest you think that I am in anyway complaining about my kids or unhappy with them at all, just remember this.  I am talking about a house.  What makes all this tolerable is that we live in a home.  That home is filled with love, joy and laughter.  But our house gets trashed on a daily basis. 

Imagine you have a house guest who does not pay rent. 

They like to steal your toothpaste.           

They make noise while you are trying to watch TV. 

They wake you up in the middle of the night.

 They playfully hit you in the face or kick you in the junk. 

Throw food they don’t like on the floor

“Play” with dishes all over the house

Make a poopy on the floor

Why would you have this house guest?  Cause they look like this:

Ms. Ell Bell

So I have had some requests to share this story from a few years ago.  The band KISS was playing at the Fargo Dome in Fargo ND.  Those that know me know I have a knack for trying to meet celebrities and get backstage at big events.  I have been a KISS fan since I was 7 and was very excited to finally see them in concert.  This is when they had just put the makeup back on (thank God) and the four original members were all together.

I was standing just to the left of this picture, ok not really.

So me and a friend decided to go up there that afternoon and watch the semis unload and see what we could see.   As we were strolling around the dome to find our best spot to “stake things out”, we came across an open door.  Well, an open door spells open invitation and we sauntered into the dome.  It was perfect we had a birds eye view of the KISS road team setting up the stage and the various props.  As we watched for awhile, there suddenly came this idea.  You could almost see the light bulb go off right above our heads.   “Let’s go down there and really get an up close and personal view.  So we marched down the stairs right onto the dome floor.  There were about 60 people milling about so it was easy to just blend in.  Suddenly one of the road managers yelled out “all right everybody; we need you all on the south side to help move the stage.  Suddenly the whole crowd was moving to the south side and we with them.  The next thing I know, I am grabbing onto the KISS stage and helping move it (it was on rollers) .  Imagine my elation at getting to help move the KISS stage.  When finished, I stood there looking around grinning like an idiot but was quickly interrupted by a rough voice that told me I was getting paid to stand around and that I needed to help bring in guitars.  Who was I to tell him I was getting paid at all.  I didn’t want to get into trouble with my fake job so I walked around to the back.  Ted Nugent was the opening act and apparently has so many guitars they need to be brought in on a wagon.  By this time I have the self appointed title of “Keeper of Nuges Guitars” and am happily unloading them to stage left.  Now my new “boss” rolls over and tells me that the oxygen tanks need to be put up in the front.  So I take my dolly ( I still don’t really know where I got the dolly but I am chalking it up to the KISS GODS) and moving rather larger oxygen tanks to the front.  At one point , the guy in front of me almost drops his (amateur)  One of the roadies yells at him that if that falls, the person behind him (which is me) could die.  Well, my new non-paying, no benefits and potentially illegal job just got dangerous.  What was the point of the Oxygen tanks?  Apparently they have something to do with all the pyro that KISS lets off during their show.  After carefully unloading these deathtraps, a man approaches me with a skeptical look.  This is it!  I am going to get busted.  When he reaches me, he asks if I work there.  I reply “well I am working”  Nice answer, no lie here maybe a bit of deceit but I WAS working at the time.  He then tells me he needs to place the backup generator for the show.  Sometimes during show, KISS will blow the generator and need their backup to be in a safe place.  I nodded knowingly.  After all, I am a member of the KISS army.  I looked over to the back left and saw the perfect spot.  “over there, I pointed”  to which he gave me a nod and a thanks dude.  Now what is the perfect spot?  Well, when you are panicking, it’s the first spot you see and that’s exactly where I pointed to.  And you know what?  That’s exactly where it sat that night at the show. 

Not much to report after that.  At one point somebody told me to take lunch, so I did.  KISS does not serve very good sloppy joes and then they told us to report to the floor right after the show. 

So, the show was great.  If you ever get the chance to see KISS live, do it!  To my knowledge, my backup generator was not called upon but sat safe all night in its spot. 

After the show, we just stayed on the floor and waited.  Sure enough, there came my crew and they started working.  However, this time, two guys who looked to be in charge came our way.  The first was the road manager for KISS .  He looked at me and my friend, then back to the other guy and said “These guys aren’t with us”.  The second guy who turned out to be the Dome manager said “well they aren’t my guys” At which point, they both turned to us and asked the inevitable question.  “Who are you guys” My friend was quick thinking and said “Some guys with long hair asked us to help setup” A beautiful answer on so many levels.  It’s technically true.  When pressed for who this was, we said “well he had on a black t-shirt”.  Now, you may know this already but that description fits not only the entire roadie team but also ANY roadie that has every worked for any band.  Finally they told us that we would not be paid for our efforts.  Maybe by your standards we will not be paid but I just found out what it is like to be a roadie for KISS.  I have carried and cared for Nuge’s guitars.  I was almost killed in oxygen tank mis-hap.  I got to take lunch.  I am the one who decided where the backup generator went for the show.  I touched the stage.  The stage that has blood stains from Gene’s wicked ass bass solo and he spits blood all over.  Oh I was paid kind sir.  I was paid more than you can imagine.  I didn’t say any of that, we just muttered  “ok” and left.

 As a side note, we headed up to the private airport in Fargo right after that.  Shortly thereafter, a van rolled up and had all four members of KISS in it.  They were unbelievable nice.  My friend got all four original members to sign his shirt. 

The italicized part is the singing.

Here’s to you Mr. Carry on 4 bags to the plane.  A suitcase and a laptop aren’t enough to hold all your stuff.  No, you need a backpack and Man purse too. 

If you had room you would have packed a Pic A Nic basket, Hey Boo Boo

You look like you are going on a Mt Everest expedition

Here’s to you Mr Drunk Singing  the National Anthem too loud at a local sporting event.  You can’t be bothered by things like getting the words right.  You need to let Freedom rain

Or the band of the free and the house of the (insert local mascot here)

Not content to just scream the song, you also take on the role of choir leader and wave your arms wildly in an attempt to get everyone into the song.

Here’s to you Mr Facebook quiz guy.  We all wanted to know what Star Wars character you would be and were surprised to find out it was Boba Fett

At least you didn’t get Jar Jar Binks

Thanks to your tireless efforts filling out quizzes, we now know what breakfast item you are, who would play you in a movie and what your Smurf name would be

Too much time on his hands Smurfy

Here’s to you Mr. Horrible at describing what he saw on SNL.  You who called in dink in a Christmas present or the hilarious recount of the that Bee Gees Guy talk show.

My cowbell has a fever of 100 and two

The rest of us can do something else on Saturday night knowing we will get a rough patched together re-telling of the episode complete with bad impressions

The Fred-inator making faxes, send e-mails

Zappos.com is a online company that sells a wide variety of apparel and shoes.  They are one of the fastest growing online companies and have accomplished  this feat by their superior customer service.  As someone who shops on the internet quite a bit, its refreshing to find a company that actually places the consumers needs ahead of their own.  I have been following their business practices and the implementation of their company culture for some time. It helps me personally and in business to have examples of what I would like to be and strive for that goal.  Zappos.com is one of the companies that I follow closely to try and mirror their effort.  Recently they have announced a two day seminar or boot camp where they will be sharing some of their best practices about how you can create a strong culture at YOUR company.  For anyone who is interested in attending, you can find details here:  http://www.zapposinsights.com/live/

I am hoping to attend both for the benefit of our company and the personal growth that I could receive.  Hope to see you there.